


Something (Stupid) Happened

by goodyfresh



Category: One Piece
Genre: Comedy, Gen, Humor, Lost Roronoa Zoro, Parody
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-13
Updated: 2020-08-13
Packaged: 2021-03-05 22:28:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,457
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25872877
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/goodyfresh/pseuds/goodyfresh
Summary: So whatdidhappen when Zoro absorbed all of Luffy's injuries and pain on Thriller Bark? Let's find out!
Relationships: Kuina & Roronoa Zoro, Roronoa Zoro & Vinsmoke Sanji
Comments: 4
Kudos: 38





	Something (Stupid) Happened

**Author's Note:**

> Prepare for mood whiplash as this starts off **_seeming_** like a **_serious_** fanfic, but it's in fact very much a comedy fic. To fully appreciate this fic you need to be familiar with how the afterlife works in Shinto Buddhist (and other Buddhist) cosmology: Namely, Hell or Heaven are just temporary (although often a very long time is spent there) way-stations before reincarnation, while some people just get reincarnated immediately. Obviously I'm going with the Shinto Buddhist version of the afterlife here because One Piece is from Japan and also because some level of reincarnation has been implied as a thing in the series.
> 
> The ideas of "The Mist" and "The Path" are just something I made up though (they have nothing to do with Buddhism) to facilitate the punchline of this story.

The last thing he remembers is the searing pain throughout his body when he plunged arms-first into the giant paw-shaped bubble of injury and fatigue that Bartholomew Kuma 'pushed out' of Luffy's body. Zoro would've thought such pain to be impossible if he hadn't just experienced it for himself.

Zoro always had an acute mindful awareness of his body's physical state, and felt injuries appear all throughout his body and pile up at an incredible rate as the pain only increased further; muscles and tendons ruptured and blood vessels burst as profusely bleeding lesions spontaneously appeared all over his body. It makes sense; Luffy had stretched and warped his body to its limit by combining his Gear Second and Gear Third abilities, and Zoro's non-rubber body, no matter how resilient, clearly isn't made to withstand such punishment, especially when he was already extremely fatigued and injured himself.

He refused to scream; he'd steeled his mind, and readied himself for what was to come. He stood stoically with his eyes squeezed shut as the various injuries ripped through his already half-dead body.

Now though, there's nothing. No pain, no physical sensations at all in fact... come to think of it, there's no sound either. Zoro opens his 'eyes,' and what he finds doesn't surprise him at all; Kuma did tell him that taking in the giant bubble of pain and injury would be "certain death," after all. Zoro is a disembodied spirit, having already drifted out of his body which stands a few feet away covered in wounds and blood. Other than his corpse, the world around him appears dull, gray, and translucent, and is blanketed by a thick fog; he supposes that the world of the living must appear 'ghostly' when one is dead.

"My corpse is still standing," Zoro says, "and even with my arms crossed in a cool pose. Heh, at least I went out like a true badass. I guess maybe I'll be seeing Kuina soon, if that's how things work; I'll have to apologize to her that I didn't keep our promise, but at least she'll think my death makes for a cool story."

"Indeed, Roronoa Zoro," says a gravelly, eerie voice off to his left, "your death was one of the most glorious in all of history, and you shall have a chance to see your childhood friend again soon." Zoro turns towards the source of the voice, and once again isn't surprised by what he finds; standing about fifteen feet away and just outside the radius of the blood-splatter surrounding his now lifeless body stands, or rather floats, an otherworldly figure somewhat obscured by the surrounding mist.

The figure, apparently male judging by its voice and wearing a long, tattered black robe, floats closer until he stands before Zoro. From what Zoro can see of his body (namely his bare feet, hands, wrists, and a few splotches of skin visible through the tears in his robe), he has sallow gray skin and is heavily emaciated, appearing almost skeletal. Rather than fingernails and toenails, he has long black claws, and while he wears a hood his face is not obscured; it's somewhat demonic, resembling a Hannya mask but with sallow, sunken cheeks.

"So, a Shinigami, eh," says Zoro nonchalantly, "I guess you're here to take me to King Enma or somethin', right? But what's that about Kuina?" The Shinigami answers him: "Indeed, I am here to bring you before the mighty King Enma, Judge of the Dead. You shall be granted an audience with Kuina before the both of you pass on, as she long ago chose to await your arrival before being reborn, and the both of you have been deemed worthy of such a boon by King Enma."

Zoro replies: "Wow, she's been waiting for me all this time? I guess that's pretty nice of the big guy to let me see her again before she and I get reborn or whatever, but I dunno how she'll take it that I didn't keep our promise. I guess I'll just have to let her kick my ass for the 2002nd time, heh."

The Shinigami smiles slightly (which proves to be a rather menacing expression given its appearance), cocks its head, and says: "Hm, how curious. You appear to be in rather good humor, which is quite unusual for any deceased individual aside from those carrying the Will of D. Do you not fear me at all, mortal? Do you not fear _death?_ You have taken lives before, sending others down the same path which you now tread; do you have no fear of whatever judgement King Enma may pass upon you? Will you not plead for a second chance at life as nearly all mortals do upon encountering a Reaper of Souls?"

Zoro scoffs and replies: "Psh, are you shittin' me? Didn't you see how I died, Mr. Reaper-Man? I fear nothin' and nobody; I don't give a damn if you or that Enma guy are Gods or what, I wouldn't fear ya even if you wanted to _fight_ me. As for death, my fate, whatever, I'm not afraid and I've got no regrets, even if I did fail to keep my promise to Kuina. I don't really mind if I go to Hell, or Heaven, or reincarnate right off the bat; I protected my crew and I protected my Captain's dream, and that's all that matters. So unless you do wanna fight or somethin', which I definitely wouldn't mind, quit wastin' my damn time and lead the way to the Big Man himself."

The Shinigami smiles a broad grin, and says: "A most admirable response, Roronoa Zoro. While you clearly have no desire for such reassurance, I can tell you that King Enma shall look favorably upon you. Come now and follow me to the Court of King Enma; Kuina awaits your arrival."

Zoro grins in response to that, and the Shinigami turns away from him and with a simple hand-gesture, opens a straight path through the thick mist surrounding them. The path is long enough that Zoro can't see its end. The Shinigami starts floating down the path, and Zoro follows on his heels; after walking for about a minute, Zoro can now see, far off in the distance at the end of the path, a massive torii gate with a bright light emanating from within.

The Shinigami continues floating forward for another couple minutes until the gate is now quite close, looming high up over him. He says, "come now Roronoa Zoro, it isn't much further; soon, you shall be reunited with Kuina." His words are met with stony silence as the only response; but that's no matter, the Shinigami already knows that Zoro is typically quite stoic. It isn't much longer before the Shinigami stands at the gate's entrance; he turns around to beckon Zoro to follow him through the gate, and finds... nothing. There's just empty space where Zoro should be standing behind him.

"What?!" the Shinigami exclaims, "that... that can't be right. He was right behind me! Hold on a second, what was it that girl Kuina warned me about when King Enma sent me to collect him... no, no no, that's impossible, even if what she said was true, that _can't_ be possible!" The Shinigami swiftly flies at full speed back along the path, and to his dismay finds just what he feared he would upon remembering Kuina's warning: Zoro is once again back in his body and alive. _**He got lost**_ while following the Shinigami along a _**straight path**_ , the _**only** _path, through the mist. And thanks to the Shinigami not being around to enforce the Laws of Death upon him, Zoro's soul was able to re-enter his body.

"THIS IS RIDICULOUS," the Shinigami screams, "it's IMPOSSIBLE to somehow get lost while following a Shinigami and end up back in your body! GET OUT OF YOUR DAMN BODY AND COME WITH ME TO THE AFERLIFE ALREADY, YOU IDIOT!" However, Zoro can't see or hear the Shinigami anymore now that he's alive. After over a full minute of screaming and cursing, the Shinigami gives up, as this is now a lost cause; he has no idea **_how_ **the swordsman's incomprehensibly heavily wounded body is able to remain alive even if his soul was able to re-enter it thanks to the Shinigami's inattentiveness, but Zoro is stubbornly hanging on to life by sheer force of will and won't be dying again. Zoro doesn't fear death and will accept it without hesitation, but clearly he's as willing as anyone else would be to embrace a second chance at life.

The Shinigami grumbles more curses under his breath as he slowly floats off down the path once more; he hasn't the slightest clue how he's going to explain this situation to King Enma without looking like a complete fool.

Zoro, meanwhile, is both quite happy and quite irritated. He's happy to be alive again, as not only was he able to protect Luffy and the crew, but he'll still have a chance to keep his promise to Kuina by becoming the Strongest Swordsman. But he's quite irritated with the obvious incompetence of that Shinigami. _"Stupid Reaper,"_ Zoro thinks, _" **he totally sucks at giving directions** , how could he go getting me lost so I'd end up back in my body? To think that King Enma would send such a crappy Shinigami to escort me after my epic death; it's completely stupid and totally embarrassing that the Shinigami assigned to me sucks so much at giving directions. I definitely can't tell anybody about this."_

As soon as Zoro realizes he can't tell anyone his embarrassing story, as if on cue he hears Sanji's voice yelling something and growing steadily closer. _"Oh great,"_ Zoro thinks, _"it's the damn stupid curly-brow ero-cook. Here I was hoping he'd stay knocked out for longer; I guess I didn't hit him hard enough. I'm glad he's okay though, not that I'd ever actually tell him that."_

Sanji approaches Zoro from behind and quickly runs up to stand beside him while demanding answers: Where did Kuma go, what's with all the blood, and is he even still alive? _"I guess it's nice that the perverted curly-brow is so worried about me, and that he recognizes that if I did die, I'd die with my corpse still standing like a badass,"_ Zoro thinks, _"but I definitely can't tell him that stupid story about that stupid crappy-direction-giving Shinigami."_

And so, Zoro decides to just _**play off**_ the whole idiotic incident like it wasn't a big deal: "No... nothing... happened," he says, before promptly passing out.

...

 **Epilogue :** Standing before the gigantic throne of the mighty King Enma within his Court, the hapless Shinigami looks quite frustrated as Enma berates and questions him while the girl Kuina stands clutching her stomach, doubled over with laughter as tears leak from her eyes.

"So you mean to tell me," Enma asks in a booming voice as he glares down at the Shinigami, "that Roronoa Zoro became _**lost** _while following you along the only straight path through the Mist Between Worlds and ended up... wandering off... until he somehow landed back in his body while you weren't present to enforce the Laws of Death? Explain this foolishness at once!"

The Shinigami nervously replies: "Y-yes my Lord, it would seem so. I... I don't understand how it happened, though! Even if the man does have a propensity for getting lost, such a thing simply shouldn't be even remotely possible. Please my Lord, do not blame me for what happened; I know the man was able to re-enter his body thanks to my inattentiveness, but otherwise what happened makes absolutely no sense! It completely violates and contradicts the laws of the cosmos, as it's _**impossible** _to wander off or turn back upon the Path through the Mist once it has formed, and the man's body shouldn't be able to contain his soul with such wounds!" A thought strikes the Shinigami, and he continues: "I mean no offense by asking this great King Enma... rather I am genuinely curious... can _**you** _explain how such a thing could possibly occur?"

Enma abruptly stops glaring down at the Shinigami and looks genuinely perplexed; his faithful servant is right, what happened is impossible. Only the user of the Yomi Yomi no Mi, the man known as Brook (who coincidentally is on the same island as Zoro at this time) should be capable of the feat of returning to his body after death (which Brook already did once), and that's only because no Shinigami appears to form the Path upon the passing of the Yomi Yomi no Mi's user. It shouldn't have been possible for Zoro to turn back along or wander off the Path, and it's indeed true that his heavily wounded body shouldn't be able to remain alive even if his soul was able to return.

Kuina by this time has managed to control her laughter and regain her footing, and hearing the exchange between Enma and the Shinigami, wipes the tears of mirth from her face with her forearm and says: "Heh, I figured as much. I tried to warn you guys about him, but you didn't take me seriously, you said 'the Laws of Death are immutable' and that I was just exaggerating!"

Enma and the Shinigami both turn to look at Kuina while gaping slack-jawed at her, and Enma hesitantly says: "Wait, so you... you mean that what you told us before, when I was sending my servant to the world of the living to reap Roronoa Zoro's soul... you were... you were being _completely serious_?"

Kuina replies: "Yeah, of course I was being serious! I said it before, and I'll say it again: _Zoro's ability to get lost_ defies _**all**_ logic and common sense, and he's way too _stubborn_ to stay dead if he can _help_ it. If you guys wanna bring him here, you should put him on a leash or something!"

The mighty King Enma, Judge of the Dead, outright facepalms; never did he think that he'd be made a fool of by the departed soul of an eleven year old girl. "Fine," he grumbles exasperatedly, "next time we'll put him on a leash."

At the mental image of Zoro being pulled along by the Shinigami using a leash and collar, Kuina once again doubles over laughing; she can't wait to see the look on his face when she teases him by saying she always knew he was just a dumb dog.

Back in the world of the living, Zoro stirs slightly in his coma-dream while Chopper frets over him; why does it feel like someone is making fun of him?


End file.
